Episode One

The Cloud

The Cloud is a magical place. Hosting something in "The Cloud" means that instead of hosting your services and data in places you own and control, you put it in a datacenter that someone else owns and controls; and then throw a bunch of money at them so you can put that little cloud logo on your stuff.

This also normally means that instead of traditional servers, you are putting your stuff into virtual containers.

Businesses do this because they hate being responsible for their own datacenters. They lower total cost of ownership, get a whipping boy in the form of a hosting service, and make it easy to get bought or sold.

Big Data

Big Data is a buzzword that usually means all the data your business generates or collects. Once you start calling it Big Data, though, that normally means some consultants visited your CEO, or he/she read a book, and now the irritating Java Developers are getting in cahoots with the business analysts to install Hadoop on 300 servers because they are tired of Crystal Reports.

Look left, look right - neither of those guys knows how the hell to use Hadoop. Oh, that guy does? Better bankroll him.

A look back: Java

Build once, run anywhere. Java was the promised land for developers; write code that can work anywhere. In reality, it's bloatware that slows down servers. But rich guys in Silicon Valley had spent so much money adopting it that it just won't die, even though it begs for someone to kill it every day.

What it really turns out to be any good for is your android phone. Since its battery dies every day, you never get to see the horrifying impact the Java is having.

Don't forget to update your desktop Java everyday, btw. EVERY DAY. Don't worry, the updater will remind you. And you might get a cool new toolbar if you aren't paying attention.

The End.


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