SmithEllis.Com

Ok folks. I’m going to get a lawyer to type this all up in Legalize so it can’t be disputed (or at least so that disputing it will be very difficult), but I’m posting it to the world right now. With all the news about the Terri Schiavo situation, I’ve recently wanted to make sure the air was clear.

Should I become incapacitated to such a degree that my brain is obviously not working, or if I am deemed to be “permenantly vegetative”, I hereby fully authorize and DEMAND that I not be kept alive. DO NOT DO IT. If there is 90% certainty that I’m not thinking, and all I am is a pumpkin who poops, breathing via a machine, you are doing us all a poor service by keeping me alive. PULL THE PLUG. Do not think twice about it. In fact, I’m not asking anyone to think about it, just do what I want.

Don’t have the huevos to pull the plug? Find someone who can. Do not let me occupy a bed for years as I deteriorate further. Do not fight amongst yourselves about what should be done. PULL IT. DO IT. It isn’t your decision.

Want to pray for a miracle? GREAT — do that. Please. I’m not just trying to die. But if the miracle doesn’t come through in about one month, consider your prayer responded to.

Furthermore and herewith, I also demand that I be creamated. Burned up. If you bury me in some cemetary, I will come back from the grave and torment you and all your generations. That’s right. I said it.

Service? Sure, you can have a get together. But I DO NOT WANT a bunch of people sitting around some god awful funereal home looking at my dead self and moping. Get the burning up out of the way, and then everyone needs to get together for a few drinks. Or not. But if I think about a bunch of people sitting around on folding chairs at some crappy service in some morbid place, I actually get a sick feeling in my gut.

AND, as it pleases the court and such, I couldn’t care less about what you do with my ashes, as long as NOBODY KEEPS THEM. Throw me in a lake, send me to space, throw my remains in a hefty bag — I don’t care. I do care if you freaking keep me in an Urn. Jeez. Don’t do that.

Again, this will all be put into a living will, but in case some bizarre happenstance takes me out before I get the papers signed, you have been warned. And you think I was a pain in the butt while I was alive, just go ahead and put me in some cemetary when I’m dead. We’re talking chains rattling all night, stuff flying around your living room, full on apparition haunting horror show.

Thank you, and good night.